Part of growing up is moving on and becoming a different person than you were when you were younger. You are expected to experience things in life, fall in and out of love, make friends and memories that you’ll smile about when you’re older, and even make mistakes that continue to mold you.
While I have had some serious memory-making this past six months, I also broke a cardinal rule of growing up. I back tracked.
First, let me tell you about my recent experiences.
Over Christmas break my routine was very simple. I woke up, went to work, went out to a bar, and went to sleep. I did that almost every day for thirty days. I saw all kinds of different Memphis bars that I never would’ve seen otherwise. I tried new drinks and got to know some of my coworkers better. I went to a Speakeasy and stayed up all night way too often. On what was supposed to be a relaxing break, I ended up more tired and worn out than I was at the beginning of it.
Last semester I met a guy and slept with him quite a few times though we weren’t dating and I barely knew him. The sex was incredible and he was thrilling and edgy and outgoing in ways that helped me escape my comfort zone. After three or four weeks he just vanished. He had personal, emotional issues that I’m assuming caused him to run. I don’t regret a minute spent with him. I always wanted to have that hot and heavy one night stand kind of thing and even though that lasted more than a night, he was still a basic stranger with a hot body and a smile that could turn you on.
On New Years Eve I met up with a girl that I’d met on Tinder. We ended up making out and messing around in the bathroom. She turned out to be batshit crazy and I never spoke to her again after that night, but that was another bucket list thing that I got out of the way. My only regret is that I spent New Years Eve in a bathroom stall. That night kind of sucked but you live and learn. At least now I know I’m not a lezzie.
I also slept with two of my friends over the break. I really didn’t want either one to happen and they happened way too close together. Actually, it happened in 24 hours. The first one I felt obligated to and the second one kind of just happened even though I didn’t want it to. I said I didn’t want to and he kind of pushed me into it. Afterward I curled up in the fetal position and nearly cried. It was pretty terrible. I avoided them both for the rest of the break as best I could. That couple of days also fall in the mistake department.
I also went skiing and had the time of my life. I hung out with a cute boy and saw all kinds of bad things, but that night is one of my favorites.
So it was an eventful break.
Then, last Wednesday something magical happened. The last five months have been punctuated with Skype dates and Facebook messages. That’s where I backtracked. After all of this personal growth and all of the wonderful things I’ve experienced, I backtracked big time.
Alan has peppered my posts (actually he has been 75% of them) since I started this blog six years ago. He was my first love and he was the boy that taught me everything about playing hard to get and flirting. I fell hard and fast for someone I barely knew and he turned out to be an incredible asshole, but for reason I couldn’t escape him. Over the years we had every fight imaginable and we went months on end without a word passing between us. We dated other people and tried to move on. We each grew up and matured in many ways. However, a lot of things didn’t change. His name still made my breathing shallow. His voice made my chest constrict. He still drove me crazy in every way possible.
When I was in San Diego this summer, I was less than a mile from him. I posted Snapchats so he would know I was there in hopes that he might come to me. Jake had made it very clear that I wasn’t to talk to Alan, but I couldn’t help it if he texted me, right? So he did. He texted me and we had yet another hard conversation that was strained by the fact that we were in love with each other but I was still with Jake.
When I finally broke up with Jake a couple of months later, I went straight to Alan. I emailed him (since he was on deployment) and things kind of picked up right where we left them. I would feel bad about this regression except two things are different now.
1. He has grown up a lot. The realization that I almost married Jake and he would have lost me forever paired with the time he has spent in the Navy has led to a much older, much more mature Alan.
2. We are a couple officially for the first time in seven years. He told me he couldn’t chance losing me again and that he loved me and wouldn’t ever let me go.
Since then, things have been wonderful. He is thoughtful and sweet. We still bicker and we will fight I’m sure, but he definitely cares about me and wants nothing more than to take care of me.
He is already talking about getting married. Since I’m spending the summer with him in California, I imagine I’ll come back with an engagement ring. People will say it’s fast since we will only have been together six or seven months, but in truth it’s been long enough. I know I love him. I’ve always loved him.
But we will just see how the summer goes…