Mardi Gras Drill Meet 2013

Some things in life just have to be documented. Sometimes the documentation can wait until a later time, but this needs to be written right this minute. I’m writing this post from a classroom in the Navy ROTC unit at Tulane. I’m here on official business: the annual Mardi Gras drill meet. It is February 09, 2013 and I am in New Orleans on the weekend before Mardi Gras.

We arrived yesterday afternoon. I got my first glimpse of the French Quarter when we rushed down to have dinner. Traffic was ridiculous and people were retarded. People here are so weird. They wear the craziest clothes and say stupid things. They are sort of like Lady Gaga times 1000. Actually, I think I saw a Lady Gaga or two tonight. Anyway, we got a taste of the city and the people.

Today was one of the most memorable days of my life. Wake up was at 0500 but I slept until 0530. We formed up and marched all over the campus to our various events. There is no telling how many times we crossed the campus. We had inspection first. The Drill Instructors made us feel like we looked like garbage, which was to be expected. They quizzed us on our Navy and Marine Corps knowledge while they looked over our weapons and our uniforms. I was beyond nervous. D.I.s are like sharks. If you mess up slightly, it’s like throwing chum in the water. They go crazy and they proceed to rip a new one. It’s like their goal is to reduce you to tears. After that we had Color Guard, the marching portion of drill, and squad drill. The thing I will probably remember most about the marching portion was the fact that the drill deck was worn out and muddy. Our instructor called for a right flank (a movement which requires everyone to turn right at the same time and march as such) right when we were in the biggest patch of mud. A couple of people, myself included, nearly busted our butts because it was so slippery.

The coolest competition is exhibition. That is the fancy rifle throwing stuff that people tend to think drill is. I’ve got to say, it is something awesome to watch a platoon do moves like those with that kind of precision. Texas A&M placed in every event and won the overall competition. They looked amazing when they marched. 16 out of the 21 awards given were awarded to military schools. Virginia Military Institute, Airforce Academy, West Point, Norwich, Texas A&M, USC, and the United States Military Academy were all in attendance. USC went right before us and they weren’t any better than us in the marching portion so it’s good to know we didn’t completely suck.

After the ceremony, the Major turned us loose on the city with a 0200 curfew. There is alot you can do with that much time. First thing we did: nap. We walked to a strip where we found dinner and I got my first taste of the Coldstone Creamery. That place is amazing. I tried Sashimi, but it was positively horrible. Then came the fun part. After a short break back at the unit, we caught the streetcar down to the French Quarter. That’s when I saw how the other half lives.

There were a crazy amount of people. The streets were covered in trash. People were plastered and covered in beads. There was alot of yelling and tons of drinking going on around us. It really was a giant party. We walked along Bourbon Street, observing people and trying to stay together. John bought a fish bowl (a delicious pink drink that hangs from a lanyard on your neck and is literally in a plastic fish bowl with a straw). It took us 35 minutes to walk the portion of Bourbon we felt safe on. So many people. So much yelling and partying. These people know how to throw down!

Now I am back at the unit, typing this. I’m already forgetting things that happened. I know this recap of my evening doesn’t sound fabulous. It really wasn’t. The atmosphere is pretty frikkin cool, but unless you’re 21 you can’t really do much. Underage people are stuck walking the sidewalks and observing the people up on the balconies as they throw people their beads. I may come back when I can buy my own Fish Bowl, but as far as I am concerned, I can mark this off my bucket list.

Is it perfect?

Sometimes you have an experience that, as it is happening, you just feel the need to chronicle. There comes a day that you just want to remember for the rest of your life, and you want to share with anyone that will listen to you rave about it. Today was that kind of day. As a matter of fact, this weekend was one of those weekends. Every second was fantastic and memorable. For someone like me, with a memory that wipes out every detail within a few hours, writing it down is the only way to preserve the happiest moments.

Friday, we went on our first official date. The cute things he said are lost forever, but the bulk of the evening is in tact, despite my faulty memory. He went out to my father’s house with me. Considering the fact that it was only our second day officially dating, it seemed a bit soon. Of course, when I invited him to ride out there with me, I was thinking only of the fact that I’d get to enjoy his company on the long drive. It didn’t even really occur to me that he’d be meeting my dad. However, he handled it very well. He was respectful and nice, like he always is. It was great to be able to take him home without having to prepare him. He asked me what my he should say and what my dad’s pet peeves were and such. After I thought for a moment, all I said was, ” Be yourself. You already are everything he wants me to find in a man.” 

Once we left my dad’s house, we went to Outback for dinner. The food was great as usual. We talked and laughed and just looked as cliche and cute as anything. We started playing this 30 questions game that help you get to know things about the person you’re with as well as provide conversation topics. The first thing on the list: List 20 random facts about yourself. In that next hour, I learned so much about him. We went bowling next. He got competitive, as could be expected. After he seemed to realize that I wasn’t taking the game seriously at all, he started goofing off. When it was my turn he would try to distract me. When I turned around after a particularly awful turn, he swooped me up in to a kiss. As we walked back to the car, he asked me if I wanted to dance. “Right now?” I asked. He kinda chuckled and said that of course he meant right then. He chose a song from his phone and twirled me in to him. We slow danced to Garth Brooks’ “The Dance” in the parking lot of the Cordova bowling alley. He twirled and dipped me and kissed me. It was cute and sweet and goofy and perfect. Totally perfect.

Once we got back in the car, he got really quiet. After a few minutes of silence I asked him what was wrong. He replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never done anything like that before. I just wanted to dance with you at that moment. I haven’t ever done anything that crazy before though.”

Last night was a roomie night. We went out to the second run movie theater and watched Pitch Perfect. It literally made all three of us laugh out loud on more than once occasion. “I’m gonna finish him like a cheesecake!” We died. On the drive home, we stopped at lights and danced for each other. I think Kathryn tried to flash me at one point. They were a little more daring than I was willing to be. I can’t afford another ticket on my driving record. Then it’d be bye bye license. We decided to go to Gibson’s and they got pulled over by a weirdo cop that was pretty much just flirting with them. It’s always a crazy night when the three of us go out together.

Today was a completely different story. He does the cutest things sometimes. We had a normal day at first. We went shopping together and then went to MANDO to study for a couple of hours. Afterward, we decided to go to dinner at Olive Garden. The waitress was fantastic. The food was pretty great, too. We talked and laughed. Conversation with him is always easy. Being with him feels natural. I’d look up and just see him staring at me with the goofiest smile on.

As we were walking to the car after dinner, he had his arm around my shoulders. He stopped me and turned me back toward the building. “I want to take in this moment. I want you to get one last look at this,” he said. I was confused. Why exactly did I want to look at the building? “I want you to be able to remember this. Anyone should be able to remember their last second date.”

Then when we were saying goodnight, he said, “You know, I try to impress you with everything I say and do. I want you to know that you’re the most amazing girl int he world and I want to make you feel that way every day.” “So basically you’re trying to make me fall hopelessly in love with you?” “That’s the plan.”

God seems to have given me exactly what I’ve needed all this time. He has truly blessed me. I realize I fall hard, fast and I’m determined not to just fall in love with the idea of him. I’m going to make sure this is the real deal. But man it feels real. This feels like it did when I was falling for Jeremy. Except it feels so much deeper. The things we talk about and the things he tells me just blow my mind. I trust him so much and we have only been together a few days. Of course, it’s on steroids because we’ve liked each other for months but thought the other indifferent. Now we are finally together. It’s just…incredible.

I suppose, as usual, time will tell.

But man…

Nights to Remember

I stumbled across a quote midway through last semester that quickly became the words by which I lived my life. When faced with a difficult decision, the words came to mind and I usually made the irresponsible decision that inevitably led to a good story or two which I’ll one day tell my grandchildren. “Kids, back in the day your Grandma had too much fun!” So the phrase has guided me, and yes, I have regrets, but they don’t hinder me too much. I just make smarter, wrong choices.

This week has been crazier than anything I can remember in the recent past, but crazy in a totally awesome way. The roomie bonding time has been frequent and wonderful. We go places together and do things. We buy matching things and take stupid photo booth pictures. We devise traditions. I freaking love traditions. We have a house phrase and a way of life that I’ve never experienced before and I couldn’t imagine any other way. Wednesday night, Austin came over. We ran around the town and enjoyed a Mexican dinner. We went to Kroger and acted like complete idiots while arguing about which kind of chocolate to buy. We then all went home and made chocolate covered strawberries and argued as we typically do. It was a relatively late night and I got to wake up pretty early for class the next day.

Earlier this week we hit Victoria’s Secret for the Semi Annual Sale. We bought matching rompers to sleep in and I finally got a silky robe like I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I bought some other interesting things too. We all did.

Thursday night was something else. Last minute, we decided to have an old high school friend named Nadiya, come over. After a nice, quiet, home cooked dinner (from a frozen skillet meal) and some light conversation, Senses became the object of interest. So, for the first time for Brittany and I, we went to Senses. Now, I’d been to Electric Cowboy a couple of times, but Senses was a whole different story. At first I was afraid I was too sober to actually enjoy myself. I felt stupid, standing there while the three of them danced and talked. I felt too tall and extremely out of place in the little dress I was wearing. A guy turned to me, noticing I wasn’t dancing, and told me to get moving. When I announced that I was entirely too sober to not feel stupid, he started trying to talk me in to letting him buy me a drink. I declined, but was laughing. I NEVER get hit on. EVER. Guys don’t talk to me or ask me to dance or to buy me a drink. It just doesn’t happen to me. At midnight, the dance floor opened. Nadiya had us in the VIP section so we walked to a booth and began to watch everyone. After about ten minutes, I was getting pretty sick of being there. I kept checking my phone to see just how many more hours I had before I had to be up for PT (Physical Training) at 0510 the next morning. After I looked at my phone for about the fifth time, a guy walked up to me and asked if I remembered him. I can’t remember anything to save me life, but he asked me to dance and I decided to live a little. I was already there so I might as well try to have a good time. Once we got to dancing, I turned to him and asked him how I knew him and he said, “Oh you don’t. You are just really pretty and I needed a reason to talk to you.” He told me I was hot a couple of times and so did another guy whom I’ve had a class or two with at this point. He talked to me for a minute before he realized who I was (he was very drunk) and then he did a double take. He looked me up and down twice before he leaned over and said, “Wow you look amazing! High five to whoever got you to come out tonight. You look fantastic! Man!” Britt and I were dancing at one point and my partner walked off for a minute. He wasn’t gone long before two black guys pulled us in to a double stuffed Oreo. Kathryn was dancing next to us and had a couple of different partners through the night. Basically it was awesome and I felt sexy for once. It was liberating and fantastic. I got to bed at 0215 and was freaking tired all day the next day. Friday was a recuperation day. I slept 15 hours.

Tonight has been the best of them all. The best ideas come spur the moment and I tend to have much more fun on the fly. We decided to go to the mall to stalk Austin for a couple of hours since we had a date planned tonight anyway. We walked around and bought flasks, looked at a stripper pole, and I broke a couple of shot glasses in Spencer’s. We then went out and sat in the car, waiting for Austin to get off. He took too long so we made a Steak ‘n Shake run. I think we seriously confused the poor guy at the window, but we made him laugh (maybe sarcastically). We went back to Austin and proceeded to Christal’s, a sex shop. Man, the things you can find in there will literally blow your mind. We walked out with a new card game of I Never, a Hyper Sex book, and I bought my first vibrator. We shall just have to see how that goes. We went back to the mall parking lot with the intention of dropping Austin off at his car, which didn’t actually work as planned. Once we discovered he had a football in his car, we couldn’t just go home. Playing football in the deserted mall parking lot at one in the morning is an experience I’ll carry with me forever. Football turned into monkey in the middle and Kathryn and Brittany started cheating. At that point I kind just gave up and enjoyed watching and taking a video. We are now back at the house and the games shall surely continue with our new card game we bought. I’m kinda feeling like playing Twister. Either way, it’s going to be fun. With these guys, it always is.

“No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.”

 

Spring 2013

Today the world feels really big. I feel very alone. I’m sick to death of being depressed. I feel so helpless in a world that I used to feel so in control. I want to be friends with everyone and I want everyone to love me and to want to hang out with me. I know that’s not a reality. You can’t make everyone love you. I’m going to try like hell though. My resolutions are going to be concrete for the first time in my life.

1. Don’t complain as much. Never complain about people to other people. Never complain about people in my unit to anyone else in the unit. I want to be someone that people feel like they can trust.

2. No one is spending the night with me ever again. Only my new boyfriend (whom I have yet to meet) will spend the night. I’m not going to let anymore silly boys kiss me either. I’ve got to learn how to say, “No, back the hell up.”

3. Be upbeat. Only say positive things about everyone.

4. Study constantly. Screw parties. I’ve never been much of a partier anyway. No more drinking with the people in the Unit anymore either. I probably won’t go to the parties with Unit people anymore anyway.

This year I want to make new friends. I want to be happy. I will be happy. I want to meet lots of new people and be the best version of myself so that I can have people that actually enjoy my company. I don’t want to feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I want to feel loved. I want to find someone that makes me as happy as all of the lovey dovey bull I see on the TV shows I like to watch. Boys should blame Disney and shows like One Tree Hill for girls having such high standards. I’d kill to have a relationship halfway as wonderful as the one my roommate has. She has a wonderful guy and she just gushes sometimes. They are adorable together. I just want to find a man that can be cute and quirky with me and that will think I’m cute when I do the dumbest things. I want someone that will make me smile from the tips of my toes.

Today is the kind of day that I wish I could escape to my parents house. I wish I had a close family. I would’ve killed to be able to go home today and curl up with my dad. The thing about family, is that they love you no matter what. They’re the friends God gives you because they can’t leave you.

I have no idea what I was meaning to say with this post. I kind of just needed to ramble. It’s hard knowing you need to do things and feeling lost. I need direction. Downtime is bad for me. My mind goes crazy and I’m reminded of all of the bad things I have ever done. I need school to start even though I’m dreading it.

Bring it on Spring semester. Bring the change.

70 and Sunny

I’ll start off with an update on my last post. I thought I’d found someone that I could see myself with for a while. We went out on our first official date. Conversation was good and I had a lot of fun at dinner. He took me back to my house where he pulled out his Xbox and Call of Duty because he knew I hadn’t been able to play in a while and had missed it. It was so cute and so sweet and we had a great time. I was sad to see him go. The next day he texted me and told me he’d decided to give his cheating ex-girlfriend a second chance. Well obviously he is an idiot, but I’m back to square one.

Anyway.

Today it is gorgeous outside. It’s the kind of day that puts you in a good mood and you just want to drive around with the windows down, blaring your favorite songs. You feel on top of the world. This is my favorite kind of weather. The winter wasn’t particularly harsh, but usually these are the days that show you there is change in the air, and hope for the new season. Bitter cold winters are followed by soft spring days that might still have a little bite in the air in the mornings. The smell of everything green that is blooming is like home to me. It’s comforting to know that it won’t be cold forever. I despise extreme temperatures, summer included. I want to live somewhere where every day is just like today. I wouldn’t ever move to the equator or to San Diego in pursuit of these conditions, though. They lose their magic if they become an everyday occurrence.

Today makes me think of my mom, especially since the anniversary of her death is coming up too quickly. In less than 2 weeks, I’ll face the 7th anniversary of her taking her own life. It’s a tough pill to swallow in general, but today makes it worse. Today is the kind of day that makes me think of the times we would go to the park and feed the ducks. This kind of weather makes me want to go out to the park for a picnic. I wish with all my heart that I could call her and ask here to lunch. I even had McAlister’s today. I have a memory of a picnic on some grassy hill, where she introduced to me the magic of a bread bowl with cheesy potato soup from there.

Seven years is a long time to miss someone, and I still think about her nearly every day. Here ya go, Mom. Today is for you.

2012 in Retrospect

To say the least, it’s been a tough year. Physics kicked my butt, I totaled my car, my parents pretty much disowned me, and I went through a bit of a whore phase. My whole life changed in the course of a couple of days. I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea that God preps you for the future in ways you don’t understand. Mom’s death was definitely a tough one but I grew up much before my time. I have been an adult since I was twelve years old. It definitely hasn’t been easy but it was good for me to grow up so young.

It’s crazy how moving out has affected me. I have started partying a little bit which is helping with my shyness gradually. Working on campus has helped too. I’m coming out of my shell a little bit more each day. I’m working on my insecurities too. I no longer have parents reminding me of my faults and how far from pleasing I am for them. I’ve stopped saying, “This looks terrible on me,” so much because I don’t have a mother to tell me I look like a tramp. I don’t have to worry about them calling me fat because I eat too much. I eat all I want and yet my portions have gotten smaller and I’ve not gained any weight. Since I don’t have someone to constantly tell me all the ways I suck, I don’t feel like I suck quite as much. Funny how that works.

God gave me exactly what I needed even before I knew how desperately I needed it. At the beginning of Freshman year in 2011, I met a Venezuelan student named Douglas. He quickly became one of my better friends and we talked a lot. In summer 2012, he introduced me to Kathryn, who went on to become my third roommate. I never would’ve found the missing piece of the puzzle had I not talked to the cute foreigner that sat behind me in Pre-Cal that semester.

After weeks of house hunting and apartment shopping, we were about ready to give up. We nearly settled for two houses that we liked but there were various things that we didn’t particularly care for: price was too high or the bedrooms were too small. Finally, the house we had driven past three or four times and ignored because it looked too small, turned out to be the one. We walked through the front door and instantly fell in love.

When my own family left me, God gave me Brittany and Kathryn when I needed them most. They have helped me with everything. They’ve been my family, my best friends, and at times my chauffeur. Every time we are together, we make new memories that make me wish my memory weren’t so dang bad. These are the nights I hope I remember when I’m old and gray. It helps that Brittany documents EVERYTHING.

I studied my hardest but Physics still managed to kick my butt. This time I’ll retake it and make an A. I’m sure.

I left my job at Olympic that I’d been at for two years. It was a little bittersweet. There is no way I could have juggled everything but I miss it at times.

I dated too many guys and made more than a couple of pretty big mistakes but I’ve now seen the error of my ways and I’m definitely moving on. Better yet, I think I found someone who I really could be with for a while. <3

I started working in the Engineering office. The job isn’t too demanding most of the time and I have the world’s greatest boss. She took me under her wing and has basically been a grandmother to me. She listens and helps me in a way that my parents never have.

ROTC also became the best part of my life. It’s demanding and keeps me insanely busy and I definitely cannot say I love waking up at 0510 three days a week, but I love the people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve already had. I get to do cool things and meet cool people. I’m finally part of something and I just can’t get enough. For some people in the unit, it’s an option. For me, it’s life. I needed a family and they became my family. There are people who are willing to help me even when they don’t really know you just because you wear the same uniform. I love that I’m on the fast track to getting out of Memphis. I have a new-found love for this city but I want to see everything that world has to offer.

Of course there was drama, but I’ve learned a lot and I’ve survived another year. I might not flunk out of college and I am pursuing my dream of being a Naval Officer. I’ve got fantastic friends that are much more like family than anything. I’ve got a great house and fabulous roommates/best friends/sisters. We know how to throw killer parties that go down in the record books no matter how many people come. As for my parents and all the bull they pull I’ll issue a big FYS!

Basically, in spite of everything and because of everything, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I won’t go so far as to say I wouldn’t change a thing, but I’m content. I made some poor choices in my love life that I’d kill to be able to take back and I wish I had a good relationship with my parents, but I’ve learned from the mistakes and no one’s life can be perfect!

Happy New Year!

Can Everything Change Now?

Tonight I worked the Carrie Underwood concert at the Fedex Forum. I just have to say that ROTC has definitely afforded me some awesome opportunities this semester. I got to see part of the concert and I got paid for it. A couple of my friends got wayyyy more lucky though. They got stationed backstage. One of them talked to the back up singer a couple of times, while Carrie walked right next to the other one four or five times. Needless to say, they were both incredibly starstruck. 

My phone died after about twenty minutes which made me feel a bit like a fish out of water. When I got home to plug it up after it was off for about four hours, the messages rolled in. Six texts and a voicemail. 

The voicemail was from a number I didn’t know.

I listened half heartedly until I heard the name.

“Clara, this is David Reed.”

I sent him a letter last week basically begging him to let me see Grace and asking for some of the pictures of my family with Mom and the diaries. The diaries. The diaries. I figured he would just reject me again but he actually wants to have lunch after the holidays. He wants to discuss our situation. He wants to give me some of mom’s stuff.

After seven years, all it took was a letter.

 

Good and Bad

I am thankful for a thousand things in my life. I have my complaints and the not so awesome things I wish I could change, but overall I am happy.

This post will cover two things. On Thanksgiving I meant to post about all of the wonderful things in my life that outweigh the bad. Given past events, though, this is also a time for reflection. Good news always comes with bad news, right?

I am thankful for this house. I love my awesome roommates and I love all of the fantastic friends I have made. I’m thankful for ROTC and the “family” it afforded me. When you sign on to ROTC, you are issued 50 new friends/family members. Play your cards right, and you will become close-knit. I am thankful for the good times Alan and I have been having in the recent past. I am thankful for the fact that he finally seems to have realized that we aren’t just another highschool fling. I am thankful for technologies such as Skype that make such a vast distance seem not so impossible to manage anymore. I am thankful for the life I have here on campus that makes school suck so much less. I am thankful for the support system I’ve built around myself so that when things aren’t going so hot with my parents (as they usually aren’t), I don’t just break down and shut off. I’ve moved out on my own with two wonderful people that are there for me as much as is humanly possible. 

Now for the negative side…

I learned only moments ago that one of the greatest men I’d ever known, passed away this morning. Death rocks different people in very different ways. You can’t help but worry about everyone that’s affected. You can’t do anything to ease their hurting. You feel helpless. I’m the type of griever that takes a step back and tries to busy themselves. It won’t hurt as long as I am doing something to make sure that everyone else is okay. I won’t cry if I’m keeping busy. 

Ed Redditt was the wisest, kindest, most honest man I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. He was much much more than just a high school track coach. I used to make jokes about how even though he was 84 years old, he could outrun me any day of the week. So many pep talks before a race, so much advice, so many wise words. That man had a history that most people never knew. A great athlete. A Memphis Cop on duty the day MLK Jr. was shot. A fantastic role model. A great husband. Now he has gone home to be with his wife and for that I am happy. He did so much good in the world and now it’s time for him to be at peace. 

I’ll tell my children stories about that man. The days I’ll never forget from the track field. That booming voice coming out of nowhere to tell me to keep running. He knew everything and there wasn’t a way to trick him. He commanded respect, not by his words but by his presence and his reputation. 

The world has lost a wonderful man and heaven has gained a shining star. 

Dating

So I think I’m starting to sort of get the hang of this whole “dating” thing. After two failed relationships it seems to have become a smidge clearer. I know what I am looking for in a guy much more than I ever have before. I kind of have….standards. I want a guy that is relatively tall and handsome. I would like to find a guy that has manners in every sense. I’m a firm believer in the ideal that chivalry is NOT dead. I believe in that cute, fuzzy feeling you get when you look at someone. I believe in being proud to show off the guy or the girl without having to constantly worry about what the people around you will think. I believe in romantic gestures, cute inside jokes, and laughing in a constant state of contentment. I think you should never run out of things to talk about or worry about awkward silences. Silence is fine, but it should be a content silence full of thoughts instead of the absence of words. I love the idea of creative dates. Trying new things that you both equally suck at because it might be fun.

I’m a believer.

I think that the ideal person should make you want to be a better person. He or she should bring out the best in you and make you want to work on the worse parts of your personality. You should be able to be goofy and funny and laid back around that person that you think you might start to be interested in. You should flirt and be yourself and not have to worry about scaring them away or saying something that might change their mind. They should be that accent. A complement.

It doesn’t have to be love at first sight or crazy head over heels at first. That takes time. The cute feeling shouldn’t fade, though. The in love part should be that fuzzy butterflies feeling on steroids. Being around him should make you feel like you are going to throw up because you are just so happy.

She is that for him. I always said she would be. From the outside looking in, it would seem that she makes him a better person in a way that I was never able to. She makes him happy in a way I never did. She loves him whole-heartedly in a way that I probably never would’ve been able to. She is his other half and I’m so beyond happy that they found each other. Too often people settle for the one they think they love and they miss out on the true love that is out there. I believe that love is real in a way that will never be captured on paper. Most people don’t find it. They find what they think is it. It’s the ones that call their significant other their soul mate that HAVE found it. I pray that one day I’ll be so lucky as to find that one person I can’t breathe without.

I thought I had it once. JB and I were serious from the beginning. We were absolutely crazy about each other but our relationship had its slight problems. I wasn’t prepared to give him my whole heart and thus it ended. He wasn’t the one for me. I recently started dating a new guy though. We have only been on a couple of dates but it’s so different. The way he makes me smile and the similarities between us and the fuzzy feeling I get when he drops me off just take my breath away. He opens doors and car doors. He is sincerely a gentleman and he makes me want to be the best that I can be. I went to CHURCH today. It’s been quite a long time since I’d walked through the doors of a sanctuary and actually stayed for a service. After Mom died, I spent a lot of time being angry at God. I didn’t want to go to church anymore. My religious relationship suffered enormously. In the past month or two, though, I feel like God has been tapping me on the shoulder. I’ve met more and more people that have such a strong relationship with God that have sort of been nudging me back toward the path I faded away from so many years ago. Now, this guy makes me want to be a better me. He doesn’t pressure me in any way and he doesn’t try to shove the gospel down my throat. He simply asked if I would like to go to church with him. He is changing me, though he doesn’t know it. They are all changes for the better. It’s about time I figured things out.

So, I said all that to say that the person you date should be a positive influence on your life. He or she should make you feel silly but happy. You should be safe and content and you should be able to trust him or her with everything you’ve got.

With that in mind, we will see what the next couple of months bring.

Sydney and I

Gah, so much has changed. To write everything that is different would fill up a book. However, I do know one thing that sticks out in the forefront of my tired mind.

Sydney.

I moved out of my parents house, and a very toxic situation, just over a month ago. I’ve been living on my own with my two roommates in a house that is just a few streets from campus. I adore my roomies and I love the house. Everything is going relatively perfectly actually (Channeled my inner Mr. Lewis there for a second…”essentially”). I have a social life now. I have so many friends. I feel like I know half of the students on campus sometimes. I’ve been going to therapy too. It took some time to work through all the pain and the anger that my parents had left behind.

It all boils down to this. I deleted my mother off of my facebook because she constantly had something negative to say. It was harshing my mellow. Of course she was pissed but she never confronted me about it. I haven’t seen my father since I left. They have yet to see my house. I actually don’t think they care to see it at all. They have just about disowned me, and in a sense I have done the same.

Mom compared me to her other two sons a couple of days ago. Once they got old enough they turned from her and never looked back. She blamed them entirely. Now apparently I’m doing the same thing. I am behaving immaturely…yada yada yada. She STILL doesn’t see how it is her fault.

I was worried about leaving Sydney there by herself. Pretty much as long as there has been a bitchy Pattie, I have been the buffer. I took most of the heat in every case that I possibly could. Now, though, it seems to have gotten better. When I left I told them to fix things with Sydney before it was too late and it would appear as though they are making an effort.

Daily posts about how proud they are of her and pictures of them doing things together. They look like a real family. I am so proud of that little girl and everything she is becoming. She is going places and now she has what I never did. She has a support system where it should be. She has loving parents that seem to really want to help her be all she can be. I no longer have someone telling me what a POS I am. I don’t have anyone telling me I suck and making me self conscious. I’m not shy anymore. I don’t stay in at night. I go out. I meet people. I have fun.

And I have all I ever wanted.

I have freedom.