Marines don’t cry. They’re the manliest of the men and the macho-est of them all. So when your Marine cries, it really means something.
In the year and a half we have been together, I’ve seen him cry once. It was something drastic and his tears were entirely justified. I would’ve cried my eyes out (and I’m not a crier either).
The last couple of weeks we spent together were…..well…..horrible. We have had plenty of differences over our time together and I’m sure there are many more to come, but I’m a pacifist. I HATE being yelled at. My brain literally doesn’t process anything when someone starts yelling. I kind of just shut down and cower. I avoid conflict at all costs and I do my best to make everyone like me. I’ve been told I have no backbone. I believed everyone that ever said that before, but after that Sunday before I left, I know better.
You said some very horrible things. You said things that don’t just roll off the tongue. You definitely had to stop and think and then decide to say those words. It wasn’t an accident. Then I hopped on a plane to begin our two months of separation. Not exactly a great parting gift.
You spent the entirety of our last week together, yelling at me for the dumbest shit. You yelled and got an attitude every time we spoke, it seemed. I’m not a terrible person. I’m not an evil, bitchy, selfish, cheating girlfriend. So why would you treat me like I’m the gum on the bottom of your shoe?
I’m not going to lie. The past month has been a blessing. I spent four weeks having the time of my life on the West Coast. I fell in love with the beach in San Diego and the weather. I am obsessed with Everett, Washington and the Navy and the whole feel of California. I’m definitely moving there next year. I got to see things and do what I love. I got to be free and explore with all of my new friends in a place where I knew no one. There wasn’t any danger of someone telling my father that had drinks at a bar or anything else. I was no one. It was awesome.
So while I was out there living the dream, I didn’t miss you. I was finally happy. I was in a great city and no one was around to yell at me or to tell me not to eat the ice cream cone or not to buy the shirt because it was too expensive. Yes, he would’ve been the voice of reason because, no I shouldn’t have eaten the ice cream and yes, the shirt was too expensive, but sometimes you just have to live. That’s what I did. I went wherever I wanted and bought whatever I wanted and met whoever I wanted. I didn’t have to answer to someone or worry about getting yelled at.
It’s really sad to me that that was the forefront thought in my mind for the duration of the trip. That’s what our relationship has become in my mind.
It really comes down to this. I don’t trust you anymore. I don’t want to break-up because I have too much invested in this and I DO love you. I want to see if we can fix it, but we have a long way to go.
Tonight when I talked to him for the first time in three weeks, I was actually sad. I cried when we got off the phone the first time, because I thought that was it for another week. I really had missed him, I was mostly too busy to think about it though. The second time we got to talk, I told him I had cried when we had hung up. He replied by saying he had cried when he had dropped me off at the airport a month ago. He said he felt really bad for how things had gone and for yelling at me again that morning.
Being a pacifist, I don’t want anyone to hurt for me or to be in a state of unbalance for me. But when he told me he cried because he felt bad, I was glad. I said, “Good. You should feel bad.” I then followed that with a, “But focus on what’s at hand and we will talk about it all when we see each other again.” He has too much on his plate to be worried about me. But I’m glad to know he has a soul.
Marines are hard. They’re the manliest of men which means getting them to talk about feelings is like trying to run through a brick wall. They’re hardasses which means they don’t need anyone and they don’t care what you do or how it affects them. They’re a different breed. That’s why the divorce rate among them is so high. They’re impossible human beings – mostly because they aren’t really human. The government has melted them down and remolded them as robots. But, if you can get through that brick wall, they’re the best lovers and the best friends. They’re true and loyal, honest as hell, and they’ll protect you until the bitter end.
So if you’ve found a Marine and you love them, fight for them. Don’t just give up because they’re difficult. They’re just rough around the edges.
As for me and my Marine, we have a long way to go. I think he wants to fix it, but he has no idea just how badly he messed up this time. I don’t know if I’ll ever just be able to trust him again. I suppose time will tell.
P.S. Thank you for the advice. As much as I’d like to take it, I always was a hopeless romantic.