Latest Entries »

Communication is Key

So, I recently got out of a long-term relationship. I’m struggling, but no one really seems to understand why. I’m not really coping with the loss. I’m fully aware that it was for the best. I’m more dealing with the life changes. I’m not sad, I’m confused. In the course of a couple of days and a single decision, my outlook on life and my two year plan completely changed. My life has literally been turned upside down.

He was Prince Charming when I met him. He was fun to be around, amazingly thoughtful, so considerate, and incredibly sensitive. Yeah, yeah, I know they’re amazing when you meet them. But we were perfect. HE was perfect. The first year was bliss. In the second week we were dating, I knew I’d met the one. He was everything I’d ever wanted and he only kept getting better. We went out on dates and he surprised me with two dozen roses “just because”. There were so many things like that. But the temper began to emerge.

Marines are a force to be reckoned with. They’re scary guys when they need to be. That’s why they protect our country. They are a special breed that is very difficult to live with, but if you can put up with them, they’re the most loyal people you’ll ever know. They are protective and honest, but they have massive issues. Some have more issues than others and no two Marines seem to have the same set of issues. Anger was his. How could the sweetest man on the planet be showering me with love one minute and scaring the fire out of me the next?

I stuck around for almost two years, making excuses and thinking and praying that things would get better. I think he finally realized I was going to leave him and he started to shape up at the very end, but it was too little too late. At that point, there was too much poison in our relationship for it to ever be removed. So I made the right choice and I jumped ship before we could grow to hate each other. We are on very good terms, which is nice sometimes but it’s very tough at other times.

He picked out a ring. We were basically engaged. We broke up. My other half is gone. I’m not getting married. I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to feel or how to act or what to spend my time on. Guy friends are coming to me and telling me they’ve liked me for so long and that they want to date me, but I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. I don’t believe in love anymore. I don’t believe I’ll get married anymore. I’m not being a cynic and I’m not bitter, I just don’t know how two people can love each other so fiercely but they still can’t make it work.

My sister introduced me to a man that was so handsome he looked like he belonged on the cover of GQ. We hit it off and hung out four or five times. Things were going really well at first, but he started to back off drastically. After the last night we hung out, he just stopped texting me or calling me all together. After just having broken up with someone, I was actually freaking out. I know we didn’t have some fantastic relationship with so much work put into it, but I wondered what went wrong. We were casually spending some time together. We had fun. I thought I might like him a little. So what happened?

I spent a week going over everything in my head. Did I text him too often? Was I annoying? Was I too whatever or not enough something? I drove myself crazy. I’m new to the dating scene and I’m rusty on all the techniques. I came to find out through a backdoor third party that he is just a commitment-phobe. That made me laugh. Who in their right mind would think that a girl that just got out of a long-term, very serious relationship would be seeking another one less than two months later? No sir. I was only looking to live a little and to experience life. I want to meet people, make friends, enjoy what’s left of my college experience, and make some memories. I’m moving across the country next year. I’m not looking for a white picket fence with some guy I just met. Starting anything at this point is futile.

So after days of freaking myself out and wondering what I did wrong, I came to find out it wasn’t me at all. I came to find out he is a goofball and he just missing out because he won’t just talk to me about everything. SO I suppose this is just a couple of words of advice for all the single men out there. Don’t run before you know what she’s after! She might just be looking for a good time that you just gave up on. Communication is key.

The Break-Up

I find it funny that everyone told me how wonderful we were together and how we gave them hope for finding love, but now their stories have changed. Now, they say, “You’re better off without him. He is the biggest idiot for letting you go.” I was under some sort of spell. I made excuses for him and I gave him passes on far too many mistakes, until it finally just ruined us.

We have been apart for about a month now. I have to say, once I got past all the tears, I was happier. I felt free, finally. Granted, the break-up hardly feels real. It kind of feels like nothing has changed. I think that’s really sad because that means that I felt broken up with long before it actually happened. The main difference is that now, when he starts acting stupid, I don’t have to put up with it. I can walk away or hang up the phone and choose not to listen to the bullshit. I’m free. I feel free.

So we were arguing one day. It was dramatic and I was crying and I was so tired of arguing. It felt like that’s all we ever did. I was never happy to see him. I’d actually started to dread it because I knew it would lead to arguments or some sort of stupid frustration. We were arguing though and he got really pissed (as he always did) and said he was breaking up with me. This time I didn’t stop it. I didn’t beg him. I didn’t say, “You don’t mean that.” I just sat there. He looked at me, clearly waiting for the typical response, and realized that this was actually happening. I cried a lot. We sat in the car for a while and talked some, but I mostly just sobbed. It’s so hard to let go of something that was a part of your life for so long. Especially someone you literally spent every waking moment with. In the end, it was mutual.

Gradually, he is seeing that he was an idiot. I’m steadily learning to enjoy my life. I can go out when I want to. I can eat what I want to. No one gets mad at me for not working out or for indulging in a cupcake. No one gets pissy with me for stupid shit. No one keeps me up half the night because they are too sidetracked to do their homework during the day. He isn’t around to make me baby him. I don’t have to hold his hand and walk him through the simple shit anymore. I’m so happy to be free.

I’ve gone out to bars and made new friends. I have gone to a football game with buddies and had a really weird version of a tailgating experience. I’ve made plans to experience Halloween the real way (especially since it’s homecoming). And I’ve met someone.

The someone is drool worthy gorgeous. He is the type of person you could fall hopelessly in love with in a second. He is smart and charismatic and just a blast to be around. He is the person that everyone instantly loves and that everyone wants to be around. While I’m very much enjoying getting to know him, he came at the worst possible time in my life. He isn’t a rebound kind of guy. He is a serious boyfriend kind of guy. I need to enjoy college and live the last year here before I become an adult. I need to live no strings attached. But this guy is going to make that very difficult. I’m determined not to fall in love with him. I determined not to get too attached. But that smile….it’s killer, ladies. Let me tell you.

Anyway, things are looking up. I’m happier. I’m in a better place. And I’m getting out of my comfort zone a little more each week. I’m going to learn to be independent. I’m going to make four years worth of memories. I’m going to enjoy every minute of the rest of my college experience.

This is it.

Here goes nothing.

One Night

The floorboards creaked with every step she took. Her heart stopped with every sound. She had to be quiet. If she woke her parents, it would all be over. Each creak was resounding in the dead silence of the house. That was the cost of sneaking out at 1:30 in the morning. After what felt like a lifetime, she reached the carpeted floor of the living room. This part of the house didn’t creak as much and it was further away from her parent’s room so it was much safer. She padded over to the front door and opened it as slowly as was humanly possible. Once it was open far enough for her to slip through, she stopped to listen for any signs that she had woken her parents. Silence. With that, she slipped through the door and into the night.

It was pitch black outside. The moon was hidden behind a cloud and it was almost impossible to see. The stars were hidden and the trees kept out whatever moonlight was peeking through the clouds. Carefully she crossed the porch and stepped onto the safety of the driveway. She was home free. As long as her parents didn’t decide to check on her at 2 a.m. for some reason, she would be safe. Adrenaline pumped through her veins as she walked down her driveway. Even though it was pitch black, she knew the way. The route was one she had walked a million times, but never for this reason. This was a first.

She rounded the corner of the street and saw a shape forming in the distance. She was pretty sure it was him. Who else would be out here at this time of night? They’d agreed to meet right around the corner from her house in case she needed to be home quickly. She hurried toward the shape, anxious to be there and to see him. This was all so exciting. He had never done anything like this with her. He had never asked her to meet him like this. He had been so insistent. He had left a party to come meet her. Why was he so anxious to see her? Her heart was pounding in her chest and her hands were shaking. She hated that her body always gave her away. She was always a ball of nerves around him, while he seemed to always be cool and collected. It just wasn’t fair.

“Is that you?” she whispered. She had never seen this truck before and she didn’t see him standing beside it as she had expected. It appeared to be abandoned. But then she heard a chuckle and the light from within the cab of the truck came to life.

“Who else would it be?” he asked, obviously amused by the stupidity of the question.

She walked up to him and looked at his face in the soft moonlight. She could barely see him, but her heart swelled. He leaned up against the truck and looked at her casually. Why couldn’t she be so calm? Her palms started to sweat. She hated that he made her like this.

“What was so important that I had to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to see you for?” she asked. Rude always worked. It made her seem less nervous.

“I just wanted to see you. I was in the area and I thought it would be fun to just…drop by.”

“The party wasn’t a blast?” she asked.

“It was okay. Played some beer pong. Won some money. No biggie.”

“Wait you drank and then you drove?”

“I only had a couple of beers. I am entirely fine,” he replied. This annoyed her. How could he be so careless?

“You shouldn’t be drinking and driving. That is so stupid. You could get in a lot of trouble or you could seriously get hurt!” she exclaimed. She couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to him.

“Give me a sobriety test now if you don’t believe me. Come here. Smell my breath,” he offered. She started to move toward him, but then she realized what he was asking. Her breath caught in her throat. She would be so close to his mouth. Close enough to kiss. But he didn’t want to kiss her. No way.

“I’ll just take your word for it,” she replied. A little smirk crossed his face. Infuriating.

“Aww you’re no fun.” He had always known just how to push her buttons. There was silence between them as she fiddled with the edge of her shirt. The boy that was leaning up against the truck was the boy she had been in love with for years. Three long years to be exact. He had toyed with her and mistreated her more times than she could remember, but she kept forgiving him. He knew exactly how to get under her skin and exactly how to make her melt. She felt totally helpless when she was around him, but tonight she was determined to hold her own no matter what.

“Why would you say that? If I’m no fun, why would you drive all the way out here to see me?” she asked.

“Well you can be fun. Sometimes,” he replied.

“You don’t even care about me. You could care less about me. You probably just came out here because you were bored.” All of the joking left his voice. He became very serious as he pondered what she had just said.

“You know that’s not true,” he answered quietly.

“Oh it’s not? Could’ve fooled me. You never cared about me. You’ve told me you loved me and you’ve said you want to be with me, but are we together? No.” She was getting pretty worked up. Angry worked sometimes with him. She began to shake, partially from the anger and partially from the nervousness that he induced. She began to pace.

“Lindsay, you know that’s not true. I do want to be with you, I just cant. My-“

“Yeah I know. You’re parents,” she snapped. “You’ve made up excuses like that but then you come to see me anyway. You tell me you love me anyway. Imagine how that makes me feel. I look like the stupid idiot because I’m in love with someone who won’t give me the time of day. You only pay attention to me in the middle of the night where no one else can see.” Tears welled up in her eyes. She blinked quickly and began to walk a little faster.

“Lindsay, don’t say that. You know I care about you. You know I want to be with you. I just-“

“No. I’m so tired of excuses. If you really wanted me, we could make it work. I’ve told you a dozen times how we could make it work. You just don’t even want to try.” More tears welled up in her eyes. She was grateful for the darkness.

“Would you stop pacing like that? You’re making me nervous.”

“Good. It’s good for you to feel how I always do,” she replied before she realized what she was saying. She stopped midstep and turned to look at him. He had that stupid smirk on again. She whirled around and resumed her pacing.

“I make you nervous?” he asked, amused.

“Shut up, Seth. That just isn’t fair. You know you do,” she answered, regretting having ever told him that. He chuckled again. “I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to. I can’t keep being the dumb girl that everyone laughs at for being so naïve.”

“Lindsay-“

“No I’m done. Don’t-“ she began before he interrupted.

“Damn it woman. Listen to me. I do love you! I do want to be with you! You’re beautiful and infuriating and amazing and if you don’t stop pacing right this minute, I’m going to make you stop!” he threatened.

“Oh yeah right. Like you’re going to do anything.” Just as she walked in front of him, he reached out and snagged her arm. She turned around to tell him to let go, but his lips were there. She turned right into him as he pulled her closer. Her mind began to race as she felt the softness of his lips. Her lips parted as his arms snaked around her waist. She put her arms around his neck, all anger forgotten. His tongue was cool as it traced her bottom lip. She felt light headed, but she didn’t stop. She had waited three years for this and she wasn’t going to pass it up.

The intensity of the kiss increased as they became familiar with one another’s mouths. She began to breath more heavily and his hands began to grab her back tightly. Then, just as quickly as it had begun, it ended. He rested his forehead on hers and panted softly.

“I can’t believe it took me three years to get you to kiss me,” he said. She smiled, having forgotten that she was even angry. This was why she loved him. There was so much passion in their relationship. They could fight one minute and have a mind-blowing first kiss the next.

Pathetic

How is it that it was much easier to cope with the thought of being apart when I wasn’t able to talk to him? How is it that for the first three weeks of our separation I was more than fine?

When we parted ways, it wasn’t on the best of terms. It had been a pretty shitty month in our house. We argued tons and I felt like he was always mad at me. Seems like a familiar story – reminds me so much of the beginnings of mine and my old BFF’s friendship turning sour. 

I left on a trip with the determination to see everything (I did), meet tons of awesome new people (I did), and to have the time of my life (I most certainly did). For three whole weeks I was free. No one was around to yell at me (except a couple of crusty old masterchiefs for petty little mistakes I made). I was free. It was the most liberating feeling. I actually felt like I could fly to the moon because my heart felt so much lighter. I didn’t miss him. Sure, I thought about him, but I didn’t really miss him. It might have been just because we were so busy and I was having a great time, but who knows?

Then I came home to a Jake-less house. At this point it had been over three weeks since we had last talked. I was totally fine with that. Normally I have trouble sleeping without him, but I slept like a baby. Perhaps it was just because I’d been sleeping alone for three weeks so it was the norm. 

The end of the fourth week came. With it, he got his first weekend of liberty. He turned on his phone and he called me. I was full of mixed emotions and the conversation was pretty strained the first day. Then the second day I cried when we got off the phone, because I knew it was going to be another week before we spoke. I was so sad about the way we left things when we parted ways, but for now he has to focus on doing well. I was also crying because I have bottled up so much in the past few weeks and I just can’t wait to get it all off my chest. I can’t wait to have that important conversation with Jake and just move on from all of this. 

The second day of liberty was a Sunday. We said our goodbyes and he went back to doing whatever it is the Marines do. 

I was a wreck that night. I was miserable. I cried and laid in bed like I’d just lost my first love. It was absolutely pathetic. Actually it was so horrible that I seriously considered texting him and telling him not to even call me the next weekend when he got liberty. 

I finally mellowed out and by Wednesday I was pretty much back to normal, except I was counting down to the next phone call on the coming Saturday. 

Today is Sunday. We said goodbye again today. Seven more days until I will get to hear his voice again. You would think that I’d be used to it, but instead I’m binging on Netflix and trying not to cry myself to sleep. 

By Wednesday it will all be back to normalish, but then I’ll just go through this all again next Sunday night. Thank goodness there are only two more weeks. I just wonder how I’ll survive deployments when we graduate.

Marines

Marines don’t cry. They’re the manliest of the men and the macho-est of them all. So when your Marine cries, it really means something.

In the year and a half we have been together, I’ve seen him cry once. It was something drastic and his tears were entirely justified. I would’ve cried my eyes out (and I’m not a crier either).

The last couple of weeks we spent together were…..well…..horrible. We have had plenty of differences over our time together and I’m sure there are many more to come, but I’m a pacifist. I HATE being yelled at. My brain literally doesn’t process anything when someone starts yelling. I kind of just shut down and cower. I avoid conflict at all costs and I do my best to make everyone like me. I’ve been told I have no backbone. I believed everyone that ever said that before, but after that Sunday before I left, I know better.

You said some very horrible things. You said things that don’t just roll off the tongue. You definitely had to stop and think and then decide to say those words. It wasn’t an accident. Then I hopped on a plane to begin our two months of separation. Not exactly a great parting gift. 

You spent the entirety of our last week together, yelling at me for the dumbest shit. You yelled and got an attitude every time we spoke, it seemed. I’m not a terrible person. I’m not an evil, bitchy, selfish, cheating girlfriend. So why would you treat me like I’m the gum on the bottom of your shoe? 

I’m not going to lie. The past month has been a blessing. I spent four weeks having the time of my life on the West Coast. I fell in love with the beach in San Diego and the weather. I am obsessed with Everett, Washington and the Navy and the whole feel of California. I’m definitely moving there next year. I got to see things and do what I love. I got to be free and explore with all of my new friends in a place where I knew no one. There wasn’t any danger of someone telling my father that had drinks at a bar or anything else. I was no one. It was awesome. 

So while I was out there living the dream, I didn’t miss you. I was finally happy. I was in a great city and no one was around to yell at me or to tell me not to eat the ice cream cone or not to buy the shirt because it was too expensive. Yes, he would’ve been the voice of reason because, no I shouldn’t have eaten the ice cream and yes, the shirt was too expensive, but sometimes you just have to live. That’s what I did. I went wherever I wanted and bought whatever I wanted and met whoever I wanted. I didn’t have to answer to someone or worry about getting yelled at.

It’s really sad to me that that was the forefront thought in my mind for the duration of the trip. That’s what our relationship has become in my mind. 

It really comes down to this. I don’t trust you anymore. I don’t want to break-up because I have too much invested in this and I DO love you. I want to see if we can fix it, but we have a long way to go. 

Tonight when I talked to him for the first time in three weeks, I was actually sad. I cried when we got off the phone the first time, because I thought that was it for another week. I really had missed him, I was mostly too busy to think about it though. The second time we got to talk, I told him I had cried when we had hung up. He replied by saying he had cried when he had dropped me off at the airport a month ago. He said he felt really bad for how things had gone and for yelling at me again that morning. 

Being a pacifist, I don’t want anyone to hurt for me or to be in a state of unbalance for me. But when he told me he cried because he felt bad, I was glad. I said, “Good. You should feel bad.” I then followed that with a, “But focus on what’s at hand and we will talk about it all when we see each other again.” He has too much on his plate to be worried about me. But I’m glad to know he has a soul. 

Marines are hard. They’re the manliest of men which means getting them to talk about feelings is like trying to run through a brick wall. They’re hardasses which means they don’t need anyone and they don’t care what you do or how it affects them. They’re a different breed. That’s why the divorce rate among them is so high. They’re impossible human beings – mostly because they aren’t really human. The government has melted them down and remolded them as robots. But, if you can get through that brick wall, they’re the best lovers and the best friends. They’re true and loyal, honest as hell, and they’ll protect you until the bitter end. 

So if you’ve found a Marine and you love them, fight for them. Don’t just give up because they’re difficult. They’re just rough around the edges. 

As for me and my Marine, we have a long way to go. I think he wants to fix it, but he has no idea just how badly he messed up this time. I don’t know if I’ll ever just be able to trust him again. I suppose time will tell.

 

P.S. Thank you for the advice. As much as I’d like to take it, I always was a hopeless romantic.

Figuring it Out

I’m currently in Everett, Washington. That’s a long way from home. I’m learning everything I can about the Navy and I’m loving every minute of it. However, the distance has also given me a lot of time and clarity to think. 

I’ve been with Jake since January of 2013. We are coming up on a year and a half and have been talking about getting married next June. It seems fast, but I knew on the second date that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But did I really know that? How can you know someone is perfect for you so far out? I’m afraid I’m making a mistake.

In our year and a half, there have been so many fantastic times. We have loved and laughed and grown together. I adore him, to say the least, but there have been rough patches. Every good relationship has issues, but how do you know if they’re the warning signs you should listen to. 

He has a temper. A bad one. He can be very quick to jump on my case and to appear to be judging me or getting upset about something. I can never really tell when he is saying “It’s fine” and it really is or when it means everything’s really not okay. I thought that would be easier by now. He yells and gets angry but in his defense we have been glued at the hip for a year and a half without any real break from each other. Am I defending something that shouldn’t be defended?

When he gets angry there is no reasoning with him. He flies off the handle and nothing can seem to bring him down. I shut down when someone yells at me, so he has brought me to tears more than a couple of times. Only one time has he admitted his fault in the situation without me having to come to him. Two times were in the week before I left for training that he made me cry.

If you knew me at all, you’d know I don’t cry. 

With that sour taste in my mouth and my dreams lying ahead of me, I set out for the base in Washington. I got here and fell in love with the Navy and the city and the whole idea of everything that is planned for my future. All of the enlisted guys talk about how much fun all of the ports are if “you’re young and single”. Well I’m not single. 

It’s been a week and a half now and I don’t really miss him. Why? Why don’t I miss my other half? Is it because he was such an asshole the last few days I was home? Is it because those days turned me away from him? Is it because I realized that I don’t want to be with him anymore?

I’ve got all of these thoughts and more bouncing around in my head. I’ve come to the conclusion that getting married next summer is NOT the answer. I may love him, but I need to wait a while to see if we can survive a deployment or two (because he is in the Marines and we will be separated most likely) and to see if this temper of his simmers down or is only beginning.

But why don’t I miss him? He crossed the line this past week. Everyone has that one piece of their past or their deepest darkest fears. You confide those in someone you truly love, whether it’s for reassurance or for help working through it. He used mine against me once before and then again last week, when he’d promised he never would again. He broke a promise. He dealt a low blow with the cheapest shot like it was his trump card. 

I know no one is perfect. I know that relationships take work. I also know that when I get married, I don’t plan to get divorced. I will be damned if I marry someone that is going to yell at me every day.

So….I’ll be working to decide if ending things is the right thing to do or not, but currently I’ve at least solved the marriage issue.

 

My Favorite Season

The sky is sunny and the birds are singing. I hear a dove outside my window and I just saw the first butterfly of the season. Spring is coming. 

I love the feeling of opening the windows after a long, hard winter to let some sunlight in. I love listening to the sounds of the world and smelling the spring smells. 

So right now, I’m sitting on my bed. It’s almost time to start to clean because Saturday is cleaning day. However, I just wanted to take a minute to jot something down.

One of my favorite memories of childhood was days just like these. My mom would open the windows and the back door and the breeze would bring the smells of the season through the screens. I loved sitting at the back door and watching the world come to life.

We had a pool at my childhood home, so we would often just go out to the deck and sit on the pool chairs. She would just sunbathe or we would talk about the dove that lived in the tree over the house. His song was so beautiful that it stuck with me. Now, I can pick it out a mile away. It reminds me of her. It reminds me off those days and the time when life wasn’t so bad and she wasn’t so sick. It’s time like those that I like to think she was happy. Surely, her life wasn’t all bad. 

I can hear some kids playing a couple of houses down. I imagine that’s what my sister and I sounded like (until we started bickering). Even though I love her to pieces, we cannot seem to get along. 

Anyway, I just wanted to remember how it all felt. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for the large part of Spring Break, but for now I’ll listen to the dove. 

2006

January 27th.

8 years ago.

Time flies.

She left me. It’s haunted me. It’s spooked me. It’s snuck up on me. Now I think it’s safe to think I’m past it. I barely even noticed its imminence this year. Today I read. I watched TV and took care of a couple of little chores around the house. It’s just another day. Tomorrow I’ll go to classes and enjoy another day in the Navy. She changed my life, but from where I sit, it couldn’t have been for the worse.

I’m in the Navy. I’m in school and doing pretty well. I am studying for a degree that would do her proud. I’ll travel the world and live a full life. And I have a man who adores me. 

Even though it sucks when I think about the things already has and will miss out on, I wonder how life would be if she were still here. Everything happens for a reason. Things impact the track of your life in ways you don’t even notice. Perhaps I was headed for a better life, married to a billionaire and living in the Bahamas, or maybe I would have worked at McDonalds for the duration of my life. 

The point is, things happen. You can mope about and let them get the better of you, or you can pick yourself up and move on. You can pay your respects and reminisce once in a while, but life is now. 

Don’t dwell too long. You might miss something good.

 

R.I.P. Mom. I miss you every day, but I know I’ve got an angel on my side.

Addiction and Bikinis

I find it pitiful that these are the things I need to talk about now, but here we are. My life has changed tremendously in the past year. I cut some old ties that were poisonous and I found the love of my life, but I’m lonelier than ever. Even when your significant other is everything you’ve ever wanted, it just isn’t enough. A girl needs friends.

Resolution number 1: To find a new friend to talk to and hang out with.

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. One massive way my life has changed is that I have discovered a love for working out. There really is just something amazing about going into the gym and lifting more weight than you could the last time you were trying. So along with working out comes eating healthy. What’s the point in putting in the hours at the gym if your layers of Resee’s Peanut Butter Cup Blasts and movie theater popcorn cover it all up? So here we are. After having lost a good deal of body fat over the summer, having a successful trip to the beach where I actually felt moderately comfortable in a bikini, and a December full of eating junk food because “it’s the holidays”, I am basically back where I started. Well, maybe not quite that far, but you get the idea.

Jake and I have decided to do a couples competition at the end of May. He will be muscly and huge in the bodybuilding portion, while I sport a bikini and poke my (hopefully) perfectly sculpted butt out at the judges. Of course, in order to get to that point again, a diet is in order. No carbs (which I love), no ridiculous salty foods (which I love), and no Resee’s blasts from Sonic.

When you’re starting out on a journey, the goal doesn’t seem that far away. It seems incredibly possible to give up your favorite foods for six months. Then about two months in, you’ll start to question your motives.

Not in my case.

I am three days in and I already want to stab myself in the eyes for committing to anything that deprives me of peanut butter.

It does get easier. Once you’re used to the regime, it’s more of a routine than a torture concept, so I’ll get there. I had forgotten how hard it was to stop eating sweets. It am so aggravated at myself for letting it come this far. Now I have to start this process all over again. I feel like a very low-grade addict, and addictions are seriously hard to kick. Even the sugar addictions take some serious will-power.

But if I want to be ready for swimsuit season and I want to have a chance at this competition, it’s time to get serious. So no Resee’s blasts.

The minute that contest is over, I’m going to eat all the junk food I can handle. Then maybe I’ll barf and stuff my face all over again.

153 days to go.

The Fever

Humans are wildly influenced creatures. We learn from commercials about certain foods that will be delicious because the announcer and the pictures told us it would be. We buy clothes based on trends that some 60 year old fashion critic decided were popular. We want the things our friends have and want to be like everyone else. I think I have fallen prey to such longings.

It seems that all of my Facebook friends are getting engaged. I see all of these pretty rings and all of the happy posts about wedding preparations and getting ready for their big day, and I’m a little jealous. 

Yes, this sounds super conceited and very needy. Stop reading it if it bothers you. 

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 11 months. Not a very long time, I know. Somehow, though, I feel that I’m ready to be engaged. I’m ready to talk weddings and think about the dresses and the flowers, yada yada yada. I knew in the second week that there was something so special about this guy that I wouldn’t be able to let him go. We have had a happy, strong relationship with our fair share of stupid fights along the way. We argue about dumb things as we learn each other’s personalities and learn how to best handle certain moods or situations. 

I have two years until I graduate from college. Shortly after that graduation, I’ll be headed off (hopefully to San Diego) to somewhere in the world for my first tour as a Naval Officer. Am I psyched? Heck yes. The thing is, he will graduate the same semester that I will. He will also be headed off to some place for training in the Marine Corps. So, upon graduation, we will be headed separate ways. The Navy does try to station married couples together so it’s much more likely that we wouldn’t have to spend our careers just meeting up for a weekend six or seven times a year. In order for that to happen, we have to be married when we graduate and commission. We want to get married on a beach, so that puts us at a Summer wedding, a semester before we graduate in December of 2015. Essentially, if everything goes as planned, I’ll be married in a year and a half. 

We aren’t even engaged, but we have had these conversations. We have basically figured out the outline of our big day, and we haven’t even made the commitment. Somehow I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. I know that’s not fair, though. It is just a little frustrating to see all of these couples getting engaged, when we are as far along as we are.

I guess I just feel like I’m getting played. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to marry me, but that just can’t seem to be enough. I know the “Question” is looming, and I’m anxious. I want it. I want the rights to him. I want to say he is really mine. I want to call him my fiance. Girls are crazy about this crap and I guess I’m no exception.

I apologize if this post made no sense.

Kudos for you getting to the end of my ramblings.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 25 other followers